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I need a Pacemaker

In Anxiety | Panic by veronicaLeave a Comment

What can I do when I am beside of myself, when my body is all emotional, perhaps with butterflies in the stomach, a fluttery anxiety, a bull’s rage, ecstatic or simply overwhelmed by three things at a time?

How can I allow for the moving flow of emotions, that gives expression to the joy and thrill of life?

How do I give life to all sides of self, that no one gets stuck in the body and burden it?

How do I reconcile the body with the wild fantasies, what will call them out or soothe them?

I definitely need a pacemaker!

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The contraction of heart muscle is initiated by electrical impulses and the rate at which these impulses fire controls the heart rate.

The pacemaker is the union of the two poles of electricity to let life flow, the heart beat, the plus and the minus, the positive and the negative, the up and down, the above and below; not of stairs and hills, or lifts and balloons, but the flow in me.

The heart is excitable and mobile, it knocks, shakes, jumps or leaps from the breast in panic.  It can knock me down in grief or courage, it suffers and endures.

The eager heart, sharp, sour, acid and harsh, bitter, rough, ardent and zealous, pointed it can be the piercing; the thorn in the heart, the greedy heart, beating up the throat for shouts and cries, laments and angry quarrels.

Or it can be the eager heart of desire, the appetizing heart, the daring, bold, and courageous heart,  the ready heart of cheerfulness and laughter…

Or also, it can be the seat of the thought of the heart, full of heart, love from the heart, the honorable heart.

When my heart is the concupiscent heart, the heart of strong desires, I look for the other; I do not follow or go after eagerly, but look for and find my own; the one that will let circling flow, the flow of life.

The heart is not only the stuffed, crammed heart, full of riches and passions that need to circulate around me with others, but the heart of imaginings, the inner circulation; denying life, blocking from awareness when the heart feels threat or fright. When I disavow thoughts and feelings, wishes or needs that fill up the heart and cram its space, imagination dims.

I protect myself, resist the new fire, the new view, the possibility of change, the truth about myself.  I limit myself in the heart and stay with the old self, in vicious circulation, heavy, stuck, afraid of listening others and self.  Listening I would have to answer; would have to act on it; change the known hard won standpoint, the comfortable one; meanwhile, the heart stuck, driven, pumping avidly, eagerly.

…from goal to process oriented, from haste to wandering attentively the path;
from excessive involvement in just one aspect of life to balancing among all aspects;
from a sense of urgency that hides the inner void of experiencing,
…to calmly considering all possibilities and give into them;
from aggressive behavior to looking for agreement;
from competition to playfulness,;
from impatience to enjoying life;
from vigorous to  animated the crammed heart of the wolf rages to assuage its thirst.
Instead of anxiety, well-being;
instead hostile relations, amiable guests;
instead of rash manners, appropriate manners.
So how to find the temperate and measured beat of the heart?

I need my pacemaker!

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