fearofdeath-thumb

Panic, Fear of Death…black crows

In Anxiety | Panic by veronicaLeave a Comment

Panic, Fear of Death – an Image

Sleeping in my bed, I wake up in the middle of the night…  I feel an impending sense of doom…  Without opening the eyes, I let the radar mind sweep the usual grounds of my house, is somebody there?  My husband, my sons … could anyone be in imminent danger, an accident?

Fear of Death

No… nothing there… it’s me… it’s my body who woke me up… overwhelmed, I don’t manage to have a clear mind… my mind is subsumed in these strange pains, cramps, twitches, pulsating lymph nodes, or is it an ovary…

No… nothing there… it’s me…  it’s my body who woke me up… overwhelmed, I don’t manage to have a clear mind… my mind is subsumed in these strange pains, cramps, twitches, pulsating lymph nodes, or is it an ovary…

Internal ‘itches’, the skin alive… and the air… the air that stops short at the level of the collar-bone, unable to pass through them, tight, tense… it doesn’t want to go in, to feel the pumping masses, the veins, the heart…  am I going to die of a heart attack… is this how it feels like?

… heaviness in the right leg, or was it in the left side of the body that is a sign…

pAnIC

Air… I am in panic, in panic of taking-in air deeper, and be overpowered by the body; the body that has become alive, without me asking for it, acting out…  but I have felt this before, I know this, short breath brings with it tachycardia… the running heart that wants to escape… fear of death

A wonderful film depicting the onset of panic and fear of death

I feel my wrists, but everything is quiet there, no running away…  cold, so cold,  all the blood at the center of the body, fighting to hold any warmth that remains there, contracted… the shield against that space that wobbles and suffers out there… in the cold, till the skin, what is it, what is happening…

I turn unto my left side and curl into a ball, take a foetal position… the heart…all seems so slow; is it enough? will it stop, or explode?…

I begin to take deep breaths; first feeling the belly filling with air, then the lungs; exhaling first from the belly, then emptying the lungs;  then again…taking in air beginning from deep in the belly… from the belly to the pillow, up the chest, down the chest…

Suddenly the image is clear… the body in the cold bathtub, the head to the left, as in my bed position… the woman seems asleep, abandoned, or is it lifeless… in front of her, at the rim of the bathtub, a black crow looks in the eyes of another black crow to the right side of the head of the woman… black moths flutter around her head, an assault… panic attacks.

Panic, the frightful feeling of death, death inside, black thoughts, no warmth… only cold, cold water…

anesthesia… no way to feel life… to feel joy… the joy of life, the joy of an encounter…

 

Leave a Comment